One of my earliest online writing endeavors was a retro movie review blog where I reviewed old movies through a slightly ridiculous Troxellian critical lens. People still ask me about it even though I haven’t posted on it for over seven years (I was forced to stop posting when I got locked out of the website and I no longer had access to the email account to reset my credentials … that ‘ol tale). I think about it every now and then since writing ridiculous movie reviews was fun as hell, but I viewed the unfortunate loss of my website as a sign it was time to move on …
… until now!
Because I’ve seen a movie SO BAD (and not in a fun The Room way) that it requires the resurrection of my famous movie review skills.
Home Alone has become one of the most beloved Christmas movies of all-time despite the fact that the climax involves a young child torturing and trying to murder two adult men (Because nothing says Merry Christmas like tricking a man into stepping onto a nail with his bare foot). Obviously, the success of the original warranted an uninspired sequel (basically the exact same thing but in New York and with a woman covered in pigeon shit) and then a Macaulay Culkin-less third edition all but killed the franchise. Most people don’t even know about the flaming turd straight-to-video fourth edition.
Then Disney + decided that, like everything that was good in the 90s, it was time for a way-past-its-prime sequel/reboot/cheap money-grab. Enter Home Sweet Home Alone (Shit title, by the way). What could have been a fun reminder of what made the original so great ended up being one of mankind’s greatest atrocities.
Remember the Wet Bandits? Imagine making them the main focus of the movie, but, instead of being cartoonish thieves, now they're a down-on-their-luck husband/wife on the brink of losing their home because of financial hardships. Then, imagine that the Kevin Mccallister character is now a fat, entitled British brat who you can’t help but hate. Still with me?
Then we have a bit of a swerve because it’s the fat kid who steals something from the couple and they’re trying to steal it back. Interesting set-up, right?
WRONG!
Now, imagine changing nothing about the climax of the movie so that the sympathetic couple you feel sorry for are being pelted with billiard balls and set on fire by the kid you hate. Yup … that’s the decision they made. It's a bit tone deaf to the current trends.
You want $15 an hour? Boom! Soda can grenade to the face! The top 1% sends their regards, bitch!
Then they deus ex everything and TRY to make you feel sorry for the kid because movies aren't allowed to have bad guys anymore, just MISUNDERSTANDINGS. The movie basically asks you to forget the twenty-minute massacre you just witnessed and accept that everyone likes each other now because the movie is going to end in five minutes so fuck it. We gotta wrap this thing up.
There is one quality fart joke in there where the husband farts in the wife’s face when he’s trying to climb a wall, but, besides that gem, the whole thing is probably the worst part of 2021 … by far. I can’t think of one other thing that even comes close. None. Not one.
I would rather watch Donald Trump’s cameo in Home Alone 2 on a loop for two hours than ever watch a single second of Home Sweet Home Alone.
Keep the change, you filthy animal!