Summarizing the July Democratic Debates that You Didn't Bother to Watch
I know most people skip the early primary debates, but I love the drama of 10 rich people appealing to poor people for three hours while they yell at each other in a polite manner in a Hunger Games-style fight to the indecisive finish. I never miss a second. My wife hates me for that.
In case you missed the latest debate royale, I’ll summarize what happened for you on each night of the debates. Night #1 was fairly simplistic while Night #2 had a few interesting twists and turns. Enjoy!
Night #1: Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders reminded everyone why they’ll be around at the next debate and most of the others won’t.
(The candidates arrive on stage and everyone stares at Joe Biden with hatred in their eyes. Cory Booker performs the Undertaker’s “throat slash” taunt while staring deep into Biden’s soul).
Joe Biden: Please go easy on me…
Kamala Harris: Joe Biden hates black people!
Cory Booker: Yeah! He hates black people!
Biden: Oh, not again…
Booker: You’re dipping your finger in my Kool-Aid and you don’t even know the flavor!
Biden: What? Kool-Aid? Is that something the colored folk drink? Oh no...that was racist wasn’t it?
Kirsten Gillibrand: Listen to me now! Joe hates women, too!
Biden: I do?
Gillibrand: Back in 1937, Joe Biden said that all women are good for is baking chicken pot pies for their husbands and then making babies and being paid 1/19th of what a man is paid to make a baby.
Joe: Wait. Aren’t we friends? Didn’t we just eat dinner together last night?
Harris: Ha! I am a woman AND I am black and we have proven Joe hates both. NOW I AM THE ALPHA!!!
Tulsi Gabbart: Didn’t you unfairly prosecute hundreds of black people and put them in jail? And even tried to execute some you knew were innocent?
Gabbart: And then you laughed about it like a James Bond villain.
Harris: Umm...I no longer wish to be the alpha.
Boring White Guy: (Says something no one will remember)
Biden: Are we done yet? My feet hurt.
Julian Castro: Listen to me now! Joe Biden hates illegal immigrants!
Biden: Oh no…
Castro: When he was vice-president, he didn’t overthrow President Obama and walk to the border and personally invite all illegal immigrants into his home. He is a monster!
Biden: Didn’t you serve under President Obama, too?
Castro: I learned from my mistakes, Joe. Did you? NOW TELL ME WHY YOU WANT ALL LATINO CHILDREN TO DIE IN HAMSTER CAGES!!!1
Biden: I’m pretty sure I don’t...
Bill de Blasio: Joe Biden, I demand that you respond to my angry man noise!
de Blasio: Ha! I am victorious!
Jay Inslee: Listen to me now! The world will end in five minutes due to global warming! We are all going to die...and it is because Joe Biden doesn't love Earth as much as I do!
Gabbart: There is a nuclear missile headed straight for this arena as we speak! And there are NO shelters! I repeat, NO SHELTERS! The shelters are a lie! A Joe Biden lie!
Booker: Just a reminder that Joe Biden hates black people.
Biden: Wait...I do? I’m so confused. Please use your rotary phones to visit my website at joedon’tknow...three...zero...three...another three...niner...sixseveneight...four.
(Biden’s campaign team immediately realizes he doesn’t know how the internet or numbers work).
Andrew Yang: I’M NOT WEARING A TIE!!!
Then Marianne Williamson descended from the rafters on a majestic unicorn and deflected the nuclear missile with a shield of rainbow kittens.
As you can see, pretty much the same ‘ole boring nonsense. See you for the next debate!